I’m one of those people who can’t see myself dying of natural causes. I can’t see myself having kids, or getting married, or ever getting over this. I see myself trying to drown out the pain through medication or drugs for the rest of my life. I see myself as just another 30 year old suicide on the news. As someone who went to sleep too fucked up on something to ever wake up again. I see myself as someone who will surround herself with pretty lights, and loud music, and drugs for the rest of the time I’m living, because inside I’m scared of myself. And, I always will be. But, seeing myself as normal? I never have, I never will.